Writing by George

Wash Your Sins Away

By Father George Halitzka

LOWEST PRICES ANYWHERE! Due to the unprecedented financial demands of our recent priestly scandals, the Holy See is pleased to announce the return of our most popular program ever. For a limited time only, you can buy your way out of sin with a Plenary Indulgence! Be the first in your Parish to make your conscience smell lemony-fresh. Your soul will never be the same again.

TODAY’S SPECIAL:
10 Venal Sins Removed from Your Soul!

For less than the price of a tank of gas, you can erase stubborn guilt and guarantee you’ll spend less time in the OTHER Place. Good for everything from li’l white lies to selling your sister to roving gypsies, you can’t beat this deal! Guaranteed to expunge even the toughest sins and reduce your time Downstairs by 50 years or more. . . . only $99.00.

The Purgatory Purge

Remember that nasty incident with the superglue and Mrs. Ralston’s dentures? Well, God won’t! Whatever you’ve done in the past month, this fantastic deal with wipe your slate clean. You’ll leave our store shouting hallelujahs after you cleanse your soul with the Purgatory Purge. (This product was formerly known as the “Holy Ghost Enema.”) . . . only $299.99.

The Mortal Sin Makeover

Who says Mortal Sins can’t be forgiven? This Indulgence is guaranteed to reduce your heavenly felony to a minor misdemeanor. Whether it’s murder, pedophilia, or an obsession with that vixen Sister Mary Stigmata, we’ve got you covered! Your name will be sent directly to St. Peter, c/o The Pearly Gates, after the ultimate Extreme Makeover. . . . only $799.95.

Eternal Air Conditioning

Afraid that all the Indulgences in the world won’t be enough to beat the heat—if you know what I mean? Make your millennia of suffering more bearable with our Eternal Air Conditioner. Guaranteed to reduce the heat of Purgatorial Flames by at least 100 degrees centigrade or your money back! . . . only $2095.00 (window unit); $5595.00 (central air).

Millstone Removal

Jesus said that those who cause little ones to stumble will be better off drowning with a millstone around their necks. So for those who have corrupted young minds (by letting them read Harry Potter), this one’s for you! (List price good for one year of living in sin only. Please add $500 for each additional year of wickedness.) . . . only $2995.00.

The Pharisee Special

Are you prone to condemning Televangelists, Wayward Priests, and especially Indulgence Salesmen for their wicked ways? Jesus said nicer things about IRS Agents than you! But don’t worry about that plank in your eye--we’ve got your judgmental butt covered! Just pony up the cash and we’ll set you straight with the Big Guy. Otherwise . . . well, don’t blame us when the demons start jabbing you with oversized sporks! The Pharisees made their converts twice as fit for hell as they were themselves. Don’t let this happen to you, my friend. . . . only$9,999.99.

Operators are standing by to take your order at 1-800-PAPAL-BULL. Don’t let this once-in-a-lifetime offer pass you by! Think of your future. If you died today, do you know for sure where you’d go? The Pope says, “This article was written so that you might know you have eternal life.” Reserve your Final Destination with a low-cost Plenary Indulgence!